My thoughts had woken me up at 2:50 AM in the night. I’m sitting on my bed and thinking about her even though its months since the last time we spoke. I know I could send her a text, hell I know I could even call her, but I also know I shouldn’t. Unfortunately, that would bring back the same memories and illusions that I’m trying to escape for a few years now. Should I start over? Should I struggle once more?
I keep asking myself the same questions over and over again. Every single time when I reach a conclusion, when I know what to do, my world is somehow turned upside down. I’m conscious that I’m hurting myself with no reason, for nothing, that I’m wasting precious time and that it would be better for me if I would actually move on, but I simply can’t! She got struck in my mind and she won’t leave it now… And I don’t know if that is necessarily a bad thing.
I remember the first time I saw her: we were at a birthday party a few years ago and she was walking towards me, holding a bottle of booze in her hands. If I was to be completely honest, I would say that I was not able to speak to her then… Actually, our first sober conversation took place around 6 months later!
Was I impressed? Definitely! I mean, yes, there are many other beautiful girls, with dark blonde hair, big brown eyes and perfect body, but she was not special because of that. Neither the skinny black and white dress nor the super elegant high heels didn’t count too much. She has, literally, the most beautiful smile that I have ever seen in my life.
And maybe my heart wouldn’t be so fired up if she was only beautiful, but damn she’s smart too! I remember that one night I was drinking a beer in a pub that I only visit once in a while. Being kind of bored and feeling kind of lonely, I pay for everything and head for home without any other further notice to my friends. As I was halfway there, I remember checking my phone and seeing a text from her. Right in that moment I asked for the taxi to turn around and go back to the pub that I left from. The conversation that we had, the events that we attended, the pubs and club that we checked out… hell that was one of the best decisions that I’ve ever taken in my life as I enjoyed that night like no other!
That night I noticed that we have equilibrium in conversation and that we both love to share things with each other. I found that awesome!
Even though I had friends that were telling me: “No man, this is not right, she’s doing this, she’s doing that, she said this, she said that, you got to move forward and forget about this bitch!” here I am now, a couple of years later, feeling the same things, having the same thoughts. And the persons that were saying that? They are not even my friends anymore.
If you’ll ever read this, please accept my sincere apologies! First of all, I know that I should have said it all face to face. That would have been the manly thing to do, but unfortunately there are various reasons that stopped me (didn’t have the guts, didn’t have the opportunity, etc.). Maybe one day I’ll have this chance… Second of all, I also need to apologize for the shit I said or did and hurt you. It was not my intention and I obviously regret it big time. If you’ll ever reach better feelings as I’m concerned, I would be more than glad to have a coffee (or more) with you. I still have 2 promises that I’m looking forward to keep and you still owe me some pancakes! :)